I recently saw that October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There are so many causes and awareness movements that sometimes, unless it directly affects you, you forget the movement or awareness is happening. A friend on social media posted about her story of pregnancy loss. I hadn’t known that she had gone through that. She decided to open up about it on social media, hoping that by sharing her story, she could help someone else that might be going through the same thing.
Today I sit here on the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage. As I’m writing this the tears are beginning to stream down my face. I can still remember the fear and uncertainty that I felt. I had been in physical discomfort for a day or two. I knew that something was wrong. I called my obgyn to try and come in. They didn’t have any openings for that day, so I made an appointment for the next day. They basically told me that if it was a miscarriage, that there wasn’t anything that could be done to stop it anyway. The rest of the night I was terrified to go to the bathroom, worried that I would see more blood – and each time, I did see blood. It was never a lot, but enough to worry me to pieces. The next day came and it was time for our appointment. I was shaking. They asked me to give a urine sample. While in the bathroom of the obgyn is when I passed the sac – there was so much blood in the toilet. I came out of the bathroom an emotional wreck, just shaking and crying. I finished my appointment and went home devasted. I had lost our baby.
We had seen the statistic that 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in loss. Though that number was not comforting, we thought that the odds had to be in our favor when trying again. We had had one successful pregnancy and one loss. We tried again, and on Christmas day we were able to share the wonderful news that we were pregnant again! New hope for the new year to come! However, on New Years day, we lost this little one too. I knew the feelings and the pains all too well, but that didn’t make it any easier.
Two losses led us to speak with an infertility doctor about IVF. We didn’t want to experience this type of loss again if we could do something to avoid it. After months of doctor’s visits, needles, shots and medication, we had our first transfer. We had a ‘perfect’ looking embryo, just ready to become a baby. Everything looked good and there should have been no reason for the embryo not to take, but alas, our transfer failed. This loss sent me into a depression. I had experienced two miscarriages without medical intervention, and now all the science in the world couldn’t provide a successful transfer. It put me in a dark place for a while. Luckily, I had my wonderful husband and sweet first born to love me through it.
Pregnancy loss is something that a lot of people experience, but not a lot of people talk about. The pain of losing a baby is excruciating, and a lot of times it’s that pain that keeps us walled up. There’s a stigma to loosing a baby. I know that even though there was literally nothing that I did or didn’t do to make it happen, I still felt like it was my fault. That I didn’t protect and nurture my babies like I needed to. I know in my head that that’s not true, but my heart still aches.
If you have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, please know that you are not alone. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think about those lost little ones without my heart aching and tears rolling down my face, but I know that it is a comfort to know that others have experienced the same, and that together we can share our experiences and help one another.
Miss Amy's Corner 